My Story: Lauren

I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family.  My mother and all her siblings and her parents (my grandparents) were all alcoholics.  My father's side also had many alcoholics.  I was pretty doomed to inherit the alcoholism gene.  My life as a child was full of a lot of abandonment and emotional abuse.  I have no doubt that even if I didn't have alcoholism in my family tree I still would've drunk.  I started smoking pot at the ripe young age of 13.  I thought it made me cool and so did my peers.  I also started to depend on the attention of guys to build my self esteem.  I felt I was nothing without a guy in my life. My family life took a major turn and my whole world was shaken up in my teens but I had the comfort of pot to ease my mind.  I always played it tough in front of others as if nothing bothered me because I was ashamed of my family and didn't want people to know how I felt. I just pushed the feelings down and denied them and smoked more pot.  I got to the point where I had to be stoned constantly.  I obsessed over making sure I always had more and was anxious about ever having to come down.  I tried tons of other drugs too.  I hit a major road block in my life when I hit 19 years old and started getting extreme anxiety attacks every time I got high and had to stop.  I immediately went on the search for its replacement and found a friend in alcohol.  I remember the week before my 20^th birthday I did two things I'd never done before.  I cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years and I drank and I didn't stop doing either for years.  All I know is that I picked up the bottle and never wanted to put it back down.  I felt the same way with it as I had the drugs.  I obsessed over it.  I couldn't sleep with out knowing where more would come from.  One of the side effects from being drunk on a constant basis was poor judgment and I hurt many people along the way.  I just kind of mowed over people and their feelings and didn't care.  Obviously the boyfriend of 3 years wouldn't stay so I latched on to the next guy and did the same things to him.  Drank, lied and cheated.  I couldn't keep a job and dropped out of college.  My new boyfriend, we'll call him Bob, was eager to help me get my alcohol.  I had Bob do ridiculous things to get me my booze.  He donated blood, he begged for money, he stole.  He also took me in and gave me a place to live and drove me everywhere I wanted to go.  He even believed me when I'd lie about all my cheating.  I was young.  I just wanted to have fun.  This all seemed fun to me.  I did this to Bob for years.  At one point we had moved away from our collage town and moved to his home town.  I somehow managed to get a job, keep it and then work my way up to management.  I did all this while drunk and no one caught on.  I still felt like the drinking was justified by my young age.  I just liked to "party".  The problem was that I often "partied" alone and I did it at every waking moment.  I showed up to actual parties already wasted but I was a professional at composing my self to make it seem as if the first beer my friends saw me drink was the first beer I'd actually had.  I passed many field sobriety tests that way.  I was always so proud of myself.  Bob even took the blame for me one time when I got pulled over and went to jail for me.  Little did I know that those "friends" I just mentioned did know about my drinking and looked down on me for it.  Looking back I'm sure I was a mess.  Looking back I also know that these people were not my friends.  There was no mutual exchange of caring there.  My life took a major twist when I got pregnant with a child.  I knew it was Bob's because I'd stop cheating on him a while before I got the news.  I, against Bob's wishes, drank wine through the whole pregnancy.  I told myself that it was no big deal because wine is good for me right?  I had no doubt the baby would be fine and she came out perfect.  I immediately started drinking where I'd left off.  I was also working about 60 hours a week managing the place I'd mentioned earlier.  Between the two, I spent no time with my daughter and was distant when I was around her.  I remember how irritated everything about her made me feel.  Bob took care of her all the time.  I was perpetually hung over so would not hold her.  Her first word was "mama" because Bob taught it to her.  I remember slamming a door in her face once when she was proudly showing me her first word.  It broke her heart and Bob had to pick up the pieces.  She got to the point where she wouldn't let me hold her at all.  She treated me like a stranger.  We did this for a year before I got pregnant again with our second child.  Since the last pregnancy went so well with the wine I decided to do that again but took it up a notch.  I drank to get drunk.  I wanted the same high from the wine that I got from all the hard liquor and beer so I drank a lot.  Toward the end of the pregnancy I was sure the baby was not ok.  He seemed very lethargic.  He rarely moved.  Of course he was drunk with me the whole time.  Bob joined the Army and we got married the same week he left for Basic Training.  We eloped to Reno, NV.  I was very pregnant and "treated" myself to rum and coke the whole time we were there.  I made a promise at the end of my pregnancy to God.  I knew I'd messed up and quite possibly done permanat damage to my son.  I told God that if he saved my son I would go back to church.  My son came out perfect.  I sent my daughter to daycare all day even though I didn't work anymore so I could drink all day.  I would get wasted and put my nursing son down on the bed with me and pass out for about 5 hours.  I did this everyday for a month or two.  I can't believe he's still alive.  My husband moved us to Texas where his duty station was.  At this point I was about 50 pounds over weight, had huge bags under my eyes and was white as a ghost.  I felt worse then I looked.  I felt like my body was breaking down.  I'd had diarrhea for 2 years now.  The alcohol had pickled me.  I also felt at this time like I was going crazy.  I started going to a therapist when I first got to Texas.  I never blamed my old pal the alcohol.  I was baffled by my level of sanity and didn't understand why I was losing my mind.  I went to church to keep my promise to God.  One day I was just as they say "Sick and tired of being sick and tired".  I looked up AA in the phone book and somehow landed in Delta Group AA.  I walked into my first meeting late and everyone looked at me weird.  I didn't pick up a desire chip.  I was drunk the whole time but left with a new found hope that this was something I could actually do.  I went home and contemplated sobriety over alcohol.  It was a quick battle and alcohol won.  I went back the next night after my usual day of drinking.  I really wanted this but I didn't know how to physically put it down.  Were there actually people that didn't drink all the time and were happy?  I knew I'd seen them.  My husband was one of them.  I spoke on that second night and asked everyone HOW they were able to physically put it down.  Something that seemed impossible to me. I have no idea what people were saying until one guy shared how he was coping having had only 5 days of sobriety.  But he was doing it.  He'd managed to put it down.  I will always remember that because that is when I realized that it was possible.  I went home but was terrified to give up something that was so comfortable to me.  Alcohol was my baby blanket.  It was who I was.  How would I face the world?  How would I have fun?  What if no one likes me?  I mustered up all the bravery in me and had my last beer the next morning.  I got a sponsor soon after and she had me begin to work my steps.  A few months later after holding on with white knuckles for dear life, I was still sober but was kind of lost in the mess that was uncovered when the alcohol blanket was lifted.  All the stuff from my childhood was uncovered.  All the people that hurt me and used me were uncovered.  I felt naked and vulnerable.  Little by little the healing process began.  When I was able to be patient truths reviled themselves to me.  I was starting to understand things for the first time.  I began to feel emotions I didn't even know I had.   None of this was easy but I held on.  About 4 or 5 months into sobriety I began to fall apart.  My life was far from perfect and I wasn't sure I was making progress.  I stopped calling my sponsor and working my steps.  I was starting to wonder if I could safely go back to drinking after all.  Maybe I'd just needed a break from alcohol.  I convinced myself that meetings were a waist of time so I began to go less and less.  I unfairly blamed the way I was feeling on my sponsor.  I figured that she must not be doing her job so I got myself a new one.  My new sponsor saw me kind of going backwards and gave me some warnings for an up coming trip back home I was about to go on.  I didn't listen and ended up relapsing on my trip.  I would have come home and gotten my six month chip but I didn't make it.  It took me one second of drinking to immediately go back to my old ways.  I couldn't put it down.  The obsession returned.  It then took me 2 weeks to go back to AA and start all over.  I was welcomed back with open arms.  It turns out that I'd needed the swift kick in the ass that I got from my relapse.  By no means would I suggest this route for anyone.  It's a dangerous route.  But for me it worked.  I am finally able to take this all seriously.  AA saved my life.  I work my steps and go to meetings.  I am a month away from my 9 month chip and still going strong.  I can honestly say that I no longer desire alcohol.  I thank God that I don't have to feel sick anymore.  There really is a life out here for me where people love me for who I am and I can have fun without alcohol.  Me and my kids are closer than ever.  Me and Bob are still married.  He likes sober me better and I finally have the capacity to love him back.